Sunday, May 10, 2015

Guest Post From the Huff Post "11 Pieces of Advice for Anyone Who has Ever Been Left"

If you think you understand the feelings and emotions of a woman going through the pain of "Being Left", you don't.  At least not until you go through it yourself.  I too thought I could relate to the pain of a woman being thrown away but I was mistaken.  I understand it now.  I am nearing my second year in this process and I have gotten stronger but it is a process.  I found this article on the Huff post that many of us can relate to.  Those of you that love someone going through this process can learn from this and maybe be better able to relate to the one on this journey.  To read her article please click this link  "11 Pieces of Advice for Anyone Who has Ever Been Left"

Here is a quote from the article....
"As anyone who has ever been broken up with knows, the feeling of abandonment can be crippling -- but it is in those moments that we feel our lowest we must find the strength to go on."

So here are the 11 pieces of advice. 
 I am listing her advice and then placing my experience below each of them.
1. Keep calm and carry on. 
Easier said then done.  I was so paralyzed in the early days I was anything but calm.  I would just tell myself to breath and that was an accomplishment.  The only thing that calmed me was prayer, exercise, and friendships.  Many of my friends, that I attended church with for years, were not at all surprised by the actions of the one that abandoned me.  They saw it coming before I did. Others were shocked at such behavior.
 2. Find a support network. 
Please do this for yourself.  I did this early on.  I was so desperate. I reconnected with many old friends from the church where he pastored.  They were so supportive.  I have met new friends going through the same trauma.  I found that folks really want to help.  For me I had to also go to my Dr. for help with the rapid onset of depression.  I had to hire an attorney for legal support, plus PIs, digital forensics specialists. Please reach out.  You can't do it alone.  My main support was my faith in God.
3. Believe in your own strength.
Hard to do in the beginning.  Gets easier as you progress.  Remember it is a process.
4. Know that you may not get a happy ending.
I guess that depends on the happy ending you are looking for.  Initially I thought he would reconsider dividing his family.  I was willing to take him back but hat did not happen.  I have learned so much in the discovery phase of the legal process that I am now glad it did not happen.  I am striving for my own happy ending.  I am embracing my singleness and finding the beauty  that surrounds me even in my pain.  
5. Understand that endings are actually beginnings.
Yes they are.  I hope to use my new experience to help others.
6. Find your voice.
Working on that daily:-)
7. Embrace your feelings, whatever they might be. 
Difficult but I totally agree with her.  All I wanted to do in the beginning was escape my feelings, run away from my pain.  Now I let myself feel, which moves me to action.  I too find that when I give these feelings to God he helps me carry them.
8. Fake it 'till you make it.
You do have to fake it in the beginning.  I call it going through the motions.  It takes a while, to enjoy what you used to love when your spirit has been crushed.  The joy will return, not overnight, but it will if you just keep trying.  I promise.  Don't give up.  
9. Take your time and realize there's no "right way" to cope.
There is no time frame.  We are individuals.  Initially my coping mechanism was the though of ending it all and thus ending the excruciating pain.  The despair is debilitating.  As I look back I realize that was a negative thing to do but I really did not know what else to do, I was paralyzed.  What I did right was to pray and attempt to lean on my faith.  I listened to Christian music for hope.  I made myself to go church.  I know if you are going through this you too may be desperate.  Please try to find ways to cope that won't hurt you in the long run.  Trust me the despair will pass and you will be stronger.  
10. Let go. (of the relationship)
I have let go.  I am sure that is not the answer for all of us but it is for me.  Don't let anyone judge your decisions.
11. You'll survive.
Yep, you will and so will I.  We will not only survive but thrive:-)



Remember God's Promise  "I will never leave you or forsake you"

KathieyV:-)

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