Guest Post from Huff Post. "What Smart Women Do After Divorce" by Alison Patton

I like a look at articles I find on divorce and see how I can relate them to my life.  Join me as I look at a divorce-related writing I found in the media.

Found this article on Huff Post. This is one of my favorite divorce sites. Hope you enjoy the article. My comments will be in red Be sure to leave your own comments. I would love to know what you think.

"What Smart Women Do After Divorce" By Alison Patton

Here is a quote from the article...

"Why do some women do well after divorce while others get stuck?" a divorcing client asked me, confronting her worries head-on. "I want to be happy again. I want to rely on myself and not be afraid of the future. I can't make it without his support, but it's tough being tied together for so many years through the kids and the money."

Indeed, financial entanglement is a double-edged sword. Moving on is much harder for women (and men) who remain connected via a custody share, child support, or alimony. How do you get closure when the contact and financial dependency continue? What's the key to regaining your independence and confidence?

#1: No More "Woe Is Me" (ideally after the first year)

Smart women make that mental shift from victim to survivor, and they take the necessary steps to get there fully. 

(I forced myself early on to see myself as a survivor. Although it took me 10 years to completely heal.  Seeing myself as a survivor early on helped me on my road to recovery. I think everyone has their own time frame. Everyones grieving process is unique, and you can't put a time limit on it)

#2: Accept the Economic Reality of Divorce

The smartest women come to terms with the reduced lifestyle they have after divorce. They reaffirm their priorities or commit to changing their lifestyle. They do not rely on their ex-husband as their long-term financial solution, nor do they see "finding another man" as the solution.

This is a complex process for many going through a divorce. Many of us have been married for decades and have not planned a future outside our marriage, so it is starting over again for many.  This has been a process for me.  

#3: Develop a 10-Year Financial Plan

Smart women take charge of their finances during and after divorce. They hire a financial planner or an accountant to review and organize their finances and map out spending and goals for the next decade. Although daunting at first, this step is immensely empowering.

This is a process because most of us have never had to develop this plan, although we must do so.

# 4: Repeat After Me: "I Cannot Change My Ex"

Smart women recognize they can't change their ex-husband. They pick their battles, they let go of issues that don't really matter or can't be changed, and they accept with grace and maturity the general unpleasantness of an ongoing custody share -- knowing this is just the reality of divorce.

As much as I wanted to change my ex, I knew this was impossible, so I did not even try.

#5: Focus on the Future, Commit to Growth and Introspection, And
Build a Relationship with Yourself

Smart women channel their energies post-divorce into examining their life, their goals, their mistakes and how they can learn from the past. Instead of jumping into another serious relationship (or spending their time complaining about their ex), they focus on their own life issues. They redefine their priorities and discover what's meaningful to them. They mature fully into themselves as women whose identity is not tied to the role of mother or wife.

I agree we have to reexamine our lives and make a plan to move on to developing new goals.  I also agree we should avoid jumping into a new relationship.  This could be like a bandaid hiding the wound that lies beneath.  We should take our time and heal before seeking a serious relationship.

How do you feel about these suggestions?  I would love to know.  Leave a comment below to share your thoughts.

I wish you joy and happiness on your new journey:-)

KathieyV