I talk with people often about divorce. Many women and a handful of men I have spoken with have experienced, what some call, gaslighting. How I understand gaslighting, it is the twisting of the truth and invention of new untruths.
I found an article that deals with the subject, "I Reject Your Reality and Substitute My Own" By Stilllearng2b. I will share with you some of her quotes and my thoughts on those quotes....
"He was rejecting reality and substituting his own." Stilllearning2b
"He was gaslighting – using deception and manipulation to cast himself as the sane and balanced one and to make me look unstable and vile." Stilllearning2b
This can become all to clear during divorce proceedings. Many times there are accusations that have to be disproved. I have found this to be fairly typical when speaking to others about their experiences. "He was a master at creating and convincing others of his own reality. And, as trusting of him as I was, I was easy to convince."
All I have to say about that quote at this time is "believe your gut feeling". It seems that more often then not it is right. I did not trust mine only to find out later I should have. "Gaslighting thrives on doubt. Starve it by believing in yourself." Stilllearning2b
Amen to that. Now it is our time to believe in ourselves and seek the life that God wants us to live. A life unimpeded by someone who never really loved us. Was it all in vain you ask? No, I don't think so. I know I would have been much happier having married someone who truly loved me. But then I would not have some of the gifts I now have. I have two wonderful daughters and two beautiful grandchildren. Because of that, aside from the pain caused to my girls, myself and others,
I would not change a thing.
I had to add one of my quotes. A thought based on all the divorce stories I have heard...
"Life is too short to waste time on morally bankrupt people who are unrepentant & refuse to see themselves for who they truly are. Instead, seeing only what they choose to see through the rose colored glasses they have created for themselves." KathieyV
I will leave you with a bible verse... "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
...and a reflection of the joy that I have that was worth the all the pain.
Thoughts on my separation, my divorce, and my life as I read through the Bible. The Beginning The Journey The Joy.
"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep. And God said "Let there be light" and he saw that it was good." My partial paraphrase of Genesis 1
The Beginning The Journey The Joy
Yes, God created the heavens and the earth, but in the beginning it was all darkness. Reading this scripture made me realize my new journey, my new beginning into divorce, was plagued with darkness. There was very little light. The Journey..
After God decided he needed more then darkness he started to change things for the better. He created light, the sea, the stars, the creatures and of course us. He saw that it was good. He had to work to make the good happen. Many of us who are involved in a life changing event such as divorce feel we are surrounded by darkness and we can't see any light. We have to give our situation to God and learn to live a new life. In the early days that may involve attorneys and private investigators. It may mean we have to learn new skills such as paying bills, filing taxes and many other things we have never had to do on our own. To learn to live life as me rather then we. I believe we can do it with God's help, the help of our family that decided to stay in our lives, and the support and love of our friends. The Joy...
I believe we can find joy in difficult times. We can find joy in adventures, in the beauty of God's creation, in family and friends. I know it is nearly impossible in the beginning but it gets easier as time goes by. This week I found joy. How about you?
Check out my book My Story My Divorce God's Promise...The Beginning.
“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain”
After a betrayal such as separation and divorce finding joy can be a difficult task. I agree with Joseph that joy can burn out the pain or at least partially smother the pain even if only momentarily. I believe to get to that point takes sheer determination, faith, and constant refocusing.
So what did you do to find joy last week? Here are a few of my happy moments.
I found joy in spending time with my grand children. Cuddle time with Maggie and playing dinosaur games with Caleb. Enjoyed time with my daughters. Erica and I went to a winery and Stephanie and I spent time at the perfume counter taking in new scents. Dinner and wine with my good friend Cindy is always a treat.
Taking long walks with my dog Brodie. Getting rained on on a humid evening. Walking on a windy night, letting my curly frizzy hair go wild and not caring what anyone thinks.
What did you do last week that brought you joy? I would love to know.