Thursday, December 1, 2016

Nichole Nordeman - The Unmaking (Lyrics) Motivation Through the Music

I love this song and as I was listening to the lyrics I thought how appropriate for someone going through an unwanted separation and pending divorce.
The Beginning
"This is where the walls gave way
This is demolition day
All the debris, and all this dust
What is left of what once was
Sorting through what goes and what should stay"
The Unmaking

My goodness did the walls give way.  Many promises broken and all my dreams cast aside.
It was a demolition day for my heart my home my future and my family.

"What happens now
When all I’ve made is torn down
What happens next
When all of You, is all that’s left"
The Unmaking

The Journey
"Before each beginning
There must be an ending

The longer and the tighter that we hold
Only makes it harder to let go"
The Unmaking

To say this is an easy journey would be far from the truth.  It is the most difficult and all encompassing event  I have ever experienced.  What is true is that it is a new beginning and we need to let go and start our new journey.  It is a process and takes a lot of time be we can do it by holding onto our faith and building new relationships. 

The Joy
"Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars"
The Unmaking

The joy comes in seeing the stars while in the rubble.  
The stars are there although at times it is hard to see them especially in the beginning.  
I am thankful for the beauty that is all around us even in our pain.   Thank you God:-)

Saturday, November 19, 2016

"Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. 
It means the damage no longer controls our life." 

I love this quote.  I believe healing from a devastating event is a process.  The length of time this process lasts is individual.  For some of us it will be a life long process.  I have seen over the last 3 plus years that this event has less control of my life.  It is still a part of my life that I can't escape and like the author said there was and is damage, but that wound no longer rules me.
Just hang on.  You will make it.

Monday, November 14, 2016

11 Good Pieces Of Advice For Anyone Who Has Ever Been Left, Huff Post

I am always reading articles on divorce.  One of my favorite resources is Huff Post.  I found and article titled "11 Good Pieces Of Advice For Anyone Who Has Ever Been Left" or as I call it...been thrown away.  I will choose a few that I can relate to....
I like the initial quote in the article

"As anyone who has ever been broken up with knows, the feeling of abandonment can be crippling — but it is in those moments that we feel our lowest we must find the strength to go on."
Huff Post
I am trying to think of a stronger word then crippling.  Yes the devastation is crippling and in my case it was paralyzing.  There is really no word to describe it.  Either way it is sad. 

Their first suggestion that is so necessary is....
Find a support network. 
“Find friends and get support"
Huff Post

Friends.  Amazing friends. Thank God for my friends. I would not have survived without my friends.  They came out of the woodwork to offer support.  You may have to search them out and that is ok.  My suggestion is to reach out to anyone you trust and share your pain.  It's ok to talk about need to talk about it. They may not have the answers you are looking for but they will be there for you.  
In the early days for me it was all about forcing myself out with friends.  To a dinner where I cried with Melissa and told the waitress it was allergies.  Cindy was always there to give me hope and strength and still is 3 years later.  Gail who was going through the same pain was and is a great support. Joanie and Phil who prayed with me and cared for me.  Kristin and Vanessa that would call and offer prayers and would give me many hugs.  Many others were there briefly to get me through the painful beginning with cards, gifts, and phone calls.  I could feel the care offered by my Facebook friends. Thank you to all of them!
Reach out, don't try to do this alone.
They suggest that we "Believe in your own strength."
That is good advice.  From my perspective though I believed in a strength that could be accomplished through faith.  I was able to add to my meager amounts of strength with the hope and encouragement found in God's word.
Thank you God:-)
They said....

Take your time and realize there’s no “right way” to cope.
“Please just feel what you’re feeling and be honest about it. There is no right way to handle an event like that emotionally. You might be feeling some combination of remorse, sadness, relief, joy, anger, and another other emotion you could image. 
Huff Post

Everyone copes differently.  From the folks I have spoken with I realize the pain is all encompassing and relatable.  Its funny, some people who have not gone through this say "just get over it".My prayer is that they don't have to ever understand the pain because they never have to go through it.  Give yourself a break and realize the healing comes in your own timing.  You may need help to get through this process such as therapy and or meds but that is ok.  You are not alone in using these outlets.
I like this one... You’ll survive.
Yes you will!  Just hold on and take one day at a time.  Strive to find beauty in the pain.  It may be hard to see in the beginning but it is there.  It has been 3 years for me and I am surviving and I love my life.
Remember you are not alone on this road.  There are many of us.
Also remember God's promise..."I will never leave you or forsake you"

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Monday Morning Motivation Through the Music Nichole Nordeman - The Unmaking

I am motivated by music.  In the beginning of my trauma I could only listen to Christian music.  It helped me through each moment.  It gave and continues to give me hope and motivation. The song that is motivating me this week is by Nicole Nordeman.."The Unmaking". Her lyrics will be in italics... 

The Beginning
"This is where the walls gave way
This is demolition day
All the debris, and all this dust
What is left of what once was
Sorting through what goes and what should stay."

My wall gave way when I found the letter that my husband had filed for legal separation after decades of marriage.  Yes, there was debris and dust and there still is.  I will be sorting through this debris probably the rest of my life.

The Journey
"What happens now
When all I’ve made is torn down
What happens next
When all of You, is all that’s left."

What does happen next?  All that you dreamed and planned has been thrown away.  It was devastating in the beginning.  You feel entirely alone and don't know where to turn.  I have found that is when it is best to  give it to God.  That is the place where you learn to trust God, in the darkness.

The Joy

This is the unmaking  The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself  To find out who You are
Before each beginning  There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble  I can see the stars
This is the unmaking

The joy comes in finding myself and finding that God is always with me/us.  I did search for beauty in the rubble.  She saw stars and I saw flowers:-)
"I’ll gather the same stones where
Everything came crashing down
I’ll build You an altar there
On the same ground."

I am still working on that but it is coming together.  My hope is that I can build an alter by letting others out there in the same boat know that they are not alone.  If in fact that is what God has planned for me.  Totally up to Him,  but I will work in that direction until he points me in another.  Following his path does bring Joy.
God Bless and Happy Monday

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Thoughts from Grace and Frankie....Death...

Yes, I am still on the first episode.  There is so much good stuff in this show. 

There is one quote that I have heard often which was also voiced in this episode.  In relation to the lies and deceit of her cheating husband Grace said "It would have been easier if you died".  I understand that.  It is not that you are wishing they would have died, it just would have been easier.  Death would have been hard and the wound would have cut deep but it would not have been an intentionally inflicted wound with little regard to how it would harm or devastate another person.  I call it...
"Divorce is like a death but with intent."
If you find yourself in the same or similar situation as Grace, Frankie, me, and many others just hold on.  You will get through it.  Remember God's promise.
"I will never leave you or forsake you"

Monday, October 17, 2016

Perseverance Quotes as found in Writers Digest

First off what is perseverance?  Perseverance-steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

Here are two quotes on perseverance I found in Writers Digest that I can relate to.

"The best way out is always through"  
Robert Frost
For me,  in the beginning, as related to separation and divorce, I did not want to "go through".  I was hoping if I did nothing it would just go away.  It took some time but I realized that was not the wise response.   I had to do something. I had to get up and address the problem.  I had to "go through".

"If you fell down yesterday, stand up today."
HG Wells

Yes, I fell down.  Down into fear, sadness, and depression.  I was lost.  I have slowly learned to stand.  The teachings that were found in the "falling down" have been immeasurable.

I like the quote that my friend Amber sent me in the early days of pain.
"If you're going through hell, keep going"
Winston Churchill 

Yes, I was going through my own personal hell.  With the help of my faith and my friends I was able to keep going and you can too.

Remember you are not alone!
Not alone in your situation.  There are many of us.
Not alone, because God promises he will never leave us or forsake us.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Monday Morning Motivation....Disconnection and God's Promise

The last 2 sermons I have listened to have touched on the fact that many of us feel disconnected.  Just what is the definition of disconnected?

Disconnected: Having a connection broken.  To feel separated, separate, divorced, cut off.  

I am sure there are many life events that leave us feeling cut off or disconnected.  For me it was the end to a very long marriage.  For you it may be something else.  Whatever the circumstance it is a comfort to know that we are not disconnected from God.  Please remember His promise
"I will never leave you or forsake you"
Thank you God!  
That makes me smile:-)

Happy Monday!

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Quotes I Like....From Pinterest

This is so true.  Sometimes what we see as a horrible life event can lead to amazing new beginnings.  I did not see it in the beginning when my husband left me after taking nearly 4 decades of my life but I see it now.  I am thankful for my new beginning and where it will eventually lead.  My hope is to let other women in the same situation see that there is a light at the end of what appears to be a hopeless tunnel.
Hang on ladies.  You are strong and you are loved.  Don't forget it.  Don't let him steal your life or your joy.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Exploring a new TV Show "Grace and Frankie"

I find myself relating to this show in many ways.  I am nearly in my 60's and my husband of 37 years just decided to up and leave with no warning to me.  It was a bit like that for Grace and Frankie too.  I am going to watch the series and pull out quotes, situations and emotions that I can relate to.....Part 2

The Beginning
There is so much I can relate to in this first episode.  It may take me years to finish my post on this first one alone.  So the "men", who have been cheating on their wives, with each other for years, finally decide to be honest about the situation.  One of the wives asked how long it has been going on.  His answer was 20 years.  The reply was,  "don't you think you should have told us sooner?".  That is when Jane Fonda blasts her husband with an insult, which in reality would have been much stronger...."You Spineless Chicken!"
Yes I would agree with spineless chicken and could go further but I won't.  Mine was a spineless chicken also.  I believe he was going to walk out without telling me.  He had already secured an apartment.  The only reason I found out was a letter that was not suppose to come to our home did come to our home, from his attorney.  He had filed for legal separation without a word to me.  Spineless Chicken seems to fit.
I know of 2 families that were damaged because of my ex's decisions.  No, make that 3 if you include mine and you should.  I would be willing to bet there are more.  Yes spineless chicken is appropriate.
The Journey
When I think back over my 37 year marriage there is a lot I would have done differently.  The first and most important was to listen to my gut.  Over the many years I would hear an inner voice saying "something is not right".  I would always second guess myself and say "no, that can't be.  He is a pastor "called" of God, he would never cross those lines."  Yes I should have listened to my gut.
I do now.  Maybe a bit late but better late then never.
The Joy
Moving on from the lies.
Spending time at the pool with my grandson:-)
If you are going through a separation and pending divorce just hang on.  Lean on your faith and your friends.  You are stronger then you think.  And believe me, you are not alone.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Exploring a new TV Show "Grace and Frankie" I Wish You Joy

I find myself relating to the TV show Grace and Frankie.  I am nearly in my 60's and my husband of 37 years just up and left.  There was no warning to me that this was his intention until he had already consulted with an attorney and was planning his escape. It was a bit like that for Grace and Frankie too.  I am going to watch the series and pull out quotes, situations, and emotions to which I can identify.  Here is a description of the show that I found online....

"Two married women in their 60's are shocked when they find out that their husbands are leaving them, but even more shocked out to find the reason why; they are gay and in love with each other! Now Grace and Frankie have to figure out how to deal with their lives now and how to move on in this original comedy series from Netflix."
The Beginning
These two "men" had been cheating on their wives, with each other for over 20 years.  Of course, they could rationalize this by making excuses that they were never happy and neither was the now shocked wife.  They would say things like "change is a good thing" in an attempt to sugarcoat their actions.
There is mention of the hidden lives of the male characters in this show.  I can relate.  I have had conversations with the spouses of two women that were seeing my husband.  They, like me,  had no idea what was going on, what was hidden.  One of the men said to me that on one particular day that "the scales fell from my eyes and I knew." Extremely sad.  Not a proud legacy to leave behind.

"Ever notice how Christians quoting these words from Jesus have no problem “casting stones” at faithful spouses? Pointing out their alleged spousal failures.

The double-standard of avoiding talking about the cheater’s sins and failures while going into lengthy explorations of the faithful spouse’s “contributions” to the marriage’s demise happens all too often in Christian circles. It is absolutely insane!"...Divorce Minister

I  agree with what the Divorce Minister has to say.  The blame tends to be displaced.  I have spoken to many women going through a divorce who are the subjects of the blame when they are the innocent party.  Most of these men make excuses and take no responsibility. 

The Journey

In the early stages of my trauma, all I could do was give it to God.   Through prayer, music, and scripture I was able to find the strength to get through the fog of each day.  When you know, there is nothing you can do about a situation you have to give all aspects of it to God.  He will equip you the courage and strength to endure until you come out of the darkness of the event.  And you will:-)
The Joy
I am 3 years out from the initial shock, and in the beginning, I thought I would never find joy again, and I nearly gave up.  If you just hold on you can and will find joy.  It takes time and determination and faith and friends, but you can do it!
Initially, I lost all connections to the things I used to love. I was so damaged, but over time I started to read again, to enjoy photography, and to cook again.  I was beginning to heal.
This week joy has come in many forms.  Going out with friends, sleepovers and swimming with my Grandson, and seeing my daughters. 

Wishing you joy!
(Full disclosure.  This post is a past post.  When I wrote this post, I was three years removed from the initial pain.  It is now about 4.5 years since this began.  Am I completely healed?  No, there was damage to my heart my mind and my entire being, but I am improving every day.  Don't get me wrong, at this point, I would not change the outcome.  I was living with a man that I thought I knew but did not.  I am much better off).


Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Monday Morning Motivation Psalm 143.8 The Beginning, The Journey, The Joy

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
    for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
    for to you I entrust my life.
Psalm 143:8

The Beginning (the pain)...
"...Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love..."
It doesn't matter who we are in this life.  If we are rich or poor, black, white or even purple, if we are healthy or ill....regardless of who we are, difficulties and pain of some sort will fall upon all of us.  I remember in the beginning of my pain and confusion brought on by an unwanted separation and pending divorce I was completely lost and in deep despair.  The only thing that gave me a glimmer of hope was God's word and his promises.  
Each morning I would search desperately for his love.  

The Journey (the path)...
"...For I have put my trust in you.  Show me the way I should go..."
I remember a song I used to enjoy called Bring it on.  It was a Christian rock song.  I loved the music and would sing along and sometimes dance with the music.  I was always concerned about the lyrics though.  Basically it was saying to God bring me difficulties I can handle it with your help.  As I would sing I would pray "no thank you, I don't want you to "bring on" any pain or discomfort into my life". 
Well guess what, you don't have to ask for it usually comes along anyway.  
In those and all times I find if I put my trust in God he will show me the way to go.  Always in his timing though.  We can't rush it.

The Joy...
"For to you I entrust my life"
There is joy and a certain kind of peace in putting my life in God's hands.
Through his word, his love and his guidance we will find joy. 

Happy Monday Everyone.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Anxiety....Part 1 Ignoring it is not an option....

I enjoy reading the divorce section of the HuffPost.  There is a wealth of information on the subject as well as the people it effects and their stories.  I came across a short article today called...
by Bill Douglas
I know the stress I felt in the beginning and the stress that lingers is the end product of an unwanted separation and divorce.  Knowing the emotional and physical effects it had/has on me I am not surprised to see Bill's list of The Top Ten Most Stressful Events.  Divorce and separation are # 2 and 3 just under the death of a spouse.  I call it "like a death but with intent".

Bill gives 7 pointers to deal with anxiety.  The first....
Ignoring it is not an option-  Initially, that is all I did.  Ignore my new responsibilities.  I even went so far as giving my "walk away husband" the job of continuing to handle my bank account and pay my bills for me.  Yes I was still trusting him.  Not a good thing!!!!
I ignored my bills, my mail, the fact that I needed an attorney and the list goes on.  Lucky I did finally hire an attorney and she put me on the proper path,  after looking at me like I was crazy:-)
I still ignore some things but I am doing much better.
So if you are in my boat.  Stop ignoring.  I have found the longer we ignore the more difficult things become.
God Bless!

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Monday Morning Motivation through the Music. Jonny Diaz - Breathe

I break life down into 4 categories. The Pain. The Journey.  The Joy.  The Beauty. This was never my thought process until I was devastated by a man that promised to love me and then after 37 years of marriage and promises I was blindsided by the truth.  That truth was a complete and utter betrayal of trust.  I know I am not alone.  There are countless areas of pain in life.  Disease, violence, divorce, betrayal, loss and the list goes on.   In the pain, and the journey to get through the pain we can find joy and beauty.

Motivation Through the Music.  Lyrics by Jonny Diaz
The Pain
"I’m feeling like I’m falling behind, it’s a crazy life
Ninety miles an hour going fast as I can
Trying to push a little harder trying to get the upper hand
So much to do in so little time, it’s a crazy life"
Jonny Diaz
(I can relate to this.  It seems, at times, I can't keep up)

The Journey

"Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest at My feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls but all you really need
Is to just breathe"
Jonny Diaz
(I remember in the beginning of my trauma when I felt as thought I would panic I would tell myself to just breathe.  The act of closing your eyes and taking a deep breath and giving the pain to God is the help to get you through the moment.)

The Joy
"Is to take it in fill your lungs
The Peace of God that overcomes
Just breathe
Let your weary spirit rest
Lay down what’s good and find what’s best
Just breathe"
Jonny Diaz
(Yes, you can find peace in your faith and you can let your weary spirit rest:-)

The beauty that surrounds us even in the pain....

God Bless!

Friday, March 18, 2016

A Walk Around the Lake in Late Winter, The Joy:-)

A beautiful cool day.  I decided to take a walk around the lake and see what I could find.

"Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake." 
Wallace Stevens
(I do pray on my walks so maybe Wallace is right:-)

"If you look closely at a tree you'll notice it's knots and dead branches, just like our bodies. What we learn is that beauty and imperfection go together wonderfully." 
Matthew Fox

 "The park bench, a place to stop, embrace God's beauty,  pray in silence, and just breathe. "

I found some interesting birds...

Half way through my walk these beautiful huskies came jogging up the trail.  
They made me smile!

A wonderful walk around the lake.  I can't wait to go back
Happy Day Everyone!
Get out and explore,

Monday, February 15, 2016

Monday Morning Motivation...The Pain The Journey The Joy

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:37-39, NIV).

The Pain, The Journey, and The Joy
The Pain: The realization that you have been lied to and deceived.
The Journey: The knowledge of a pattern that I assume would be difficult to break.
                                      The start of a healthier life.
The Joy: My faith, my family that remains, and the peace in my home.
If you are going through this hang in there.
Hold onto your faith, your family and your friends
God Bless