Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Wisdom From the Web…Huff Post "Drinking Habits" Could lead to Divorce…..




Couples' Drinking Habits May Predict Likelihood Of Divorce, Study Finds

A new study concludes that heavy drinking isn't a marital deal-breaker -- so long as both spouses are consuming the same amount of alcohol.

Researchers at the University at Buffalo followed 634 couples through the first nine years of marriage and discovered that couples who drink similar amounts of alcohol on average are more likely to have a successful marriage than couples who differ in their drinking patterns.
Specifically, 50 percent of couples in which one partner was imbibing significantly more than their spouse ended up divorcing. However, that number dropped to 30 percent for couples who possessed similar drinking habits, regardless of if they were heavy or light drinkers.
“Our results indicate that it is the difference between the couple’s drinking habits, rather than the drinking itself, that leads to marital dissatisfaction, separation and divorce,” Kenneth Leonard, the lead author.
My, Kathiey's, thoughts….
Ah Ha !!!  This may explain our breakup.  He just could not stomach my choice in beverage any longer. Lets see, I enjoy wine.  I like a good Riesling, Pinot Grigio, or Chardonnay.  I also enjoy what I call the girly drinks like frozen daiquiris or a good Rum Punch.  Anything tropical.  Whereas Joe Voshell liked to drink hard ciders, beer and mixed drinks.  He would also enjoy the occasional sparkling wine or champagne.  So maybe that was the problem all along, our tastes in drinks.  As I sit here enjoying my glass of wine he is probably somewhere enjoying his favorite alcoholic beverage.  
I remember this night.  We were enjoying some time in Blowing Rock.  Joe ordered some type of mixed drink and I had the sparkling wine.  If I remember correctly he also had some of the wine.  It was very good.  (Joe never wanted anyone in his family to know that he drank.  I never understood that)
Interesting theory Huff Post.  Something to think about.
If you are married or in a relationship go out with your partner.  And for goodness sake order the same drink!!!!:-)
Cheers Everyone!

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Words of Wisdom. Guest Post from Huffington Post. "Five Ways to Survive the Holidays with a Broken Heart"

I am always scanning the web to find useful articles to help me through this process of an unwanted separation.  I found this one that is focused on the holiday season.  How timely.  It is titled"5 Ways to Survive the Holidays with a Broken Heart" by Debra Rodgers at Galt Time.
Here is what she has to say…..my comments will be in red:-)
WOMAN DECORATING CHRISTMAS TREE

By Debra Rogers for GalTime.com
Whether he dropped the breakup bomb during Thanksgiving dinner, Black Friday, or he was a summer love that you still haven’t gotten over, the holidays can send you further into “unhappily-ever-after.” You may feel the only way to survive is to hibernate for the winter in your breakup sweats with Dreyer’s limited edition peppermint ice cream. But before you grab a fluffy blanket, here are five fabulous ways to make your holidays much happier:  
(My X just left.  No discussion, no attempt to save the marriage.) 
(I have never tried Dreyer's Peppermint ice cream but it sure sounds good;-)
1. Isolate yourself in public.
Instead of wallowing in bed watching, “Once Upon A Time,” get up, put on some clean clothes, and take yourself out. Go to an Oscar-worthy movie (it’s the season for them), sit with a cappuccino and your favorite book at a local coffee shop or go check out an art exhibit. Even if you don’t feel like being social, at least you’re mixing with other warm bodies (besides your Yorkie!).  
(One of the most difficult things to do, when you experience this type of trauma, it just the act of getting out of bed.  I have decided to follow her direction.  I will go to a movie over the holiday season.  There are several I want to see.)
2. Receive love and support from friends and family.
Many times we don’t talk about our breakup because we’re ashamed, embarrassed, or it’s just too painful to discuss. But talking about it can be the best therapy. When I was going through a painful divorce, I called up my brother and sister in law and asked if I could stay at their house for a couple of days. Just getting out of my own place with all the memories of my ex helped me break free of the cycle of hurt. So have a sleepover with a friend or family member and stay up late in your jammies, talking, drinking hot chocolate, and watching old Christmas movies. Accepting love and support from others goes a long way in healing a broken heart.
(I have no problem at all talking about this breakup.  It is therapeutic to share. As far as getting out I am planning things for the holiday season)
3. Keep your holiday traditions.
Don’t skip out on the holidays this year because you just can’t bring yourself to trim your tree. Host a decorating party with your friends and have everyone bring an ornament. Or host a cookie baking party and have everyone bring their favorite recipe. Or have vision board party and make visual collages of what you want in the New Year. Whatever you choose, you’ll be making your place light and jolly, instead of dark and gloomy.
(Plan on putting up a Christmas Tree and hopefully hosting a holiday party)
4. Put yourself at the top of your holiday list.
Now that you don’t have to spend your hard-earned cash on the latest “man gear” gift or on a zip-line getaway trip for Mr. Heartbreaker, indulge in something you love. Buy yourself a day at the spa, plan a mini-getaway with your girlfriends (take a couple of days off in the middle of the week), or splurge on that red dress you’ve been eyeing. By taking care of yourself, you are acknowledging your value and worth.
(I do have value and I do have worth even though I have been thrown away.  There are several things I could get for myself.  Not sure what to choose but I will choose something:-)
5. Stand under the mistletoe.
Holiday parties are probably the last place you want to drag your butt to, but they can be just what you need to get you out of your holiday slump. So accept that “Mix, Mingle & Jingle” party invite. If you’re uncomfortable going alone (I get it), bring a friend. Get your makeup done, put on your little black dress, and do some shameless flirting. And if you end up making out with a new cutie under the mistletoe, awesome!
(Flirting, I don't know.  I have been married forever so this is a different world.  I may give it a try:-)
The most important thing to remember is that your ex gave you a gift –- the gift of YOU. So lavish your time and attention on your amazing self. Make your holiday wish list, knowing your possibilities are endless.
(For me the holidays mean christmas music, decorating, church services, plays, and movies they all get me in the holiday spirit.  I plan to seek out many of these venues this holiday season)  
Thanks Debra for a great article.  
Please feel free to comment on how you plan to enjoy you holiday season.
Happy Holidays Everyone:-)

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Finding Joy."40 Ways to Find Joy in Your Everyday Life" from the Huffington Post. #10

I try to seek out joy.  I try to see God's Beauty even in the pain.  With that in mind I decided to be deliberate about finding joy.  On the Huffington Post web site there is an article that gives you 40 ways to find joy.  I selected # 10 because I have already done it.  I can't say it was for no reason though, it was halloween after all, but it sure was fun.
"10. Dress up in costume for no reason."
Dressing up for Zumba.  What a great time with my friends….

 Dressing up with Caleb on Halloween night.  He was a Dragon Monster and I had a little headband with Frankenstein faces on it.  We had a great time searching out candy in his neighborhood….
 There is joy and beauty all around us.  Sometimes we need to seek it out.
Wishing you a joyful week.
Kathiey

Saturday, November 15, 2014

My Story My Divorce Page 12. One of Many False Truths:-(

    In the early days of my transition X claimed he wanted to be my friend.  He told me he would always care for me.  I now believe it was just a ploy to get me to sign the original agreement he had drawn up.  As soon as he found out that I hired a PI and we were headed to court things quickly changed.
    I remember being notified by my attorney that X had claimed that he lost his position as lead pastor at the church because of me.  This was around the time my parents were dying. I was spending a lot of my time at my parents home when all this transpired and if he was let go I knew nothing of it.  As far as I knew he resigned.
    I remember I was at work when I got the notification from my attorney that X said he lost his job because of me.  More stress.  I got on the phone and called two of my friends that were members of the church.  One of them Melissa had been on the church board.  She confirmed he had resigned.  My other friend Joanie got in touch with our district superintendent and he too said that this was not the case.  I later met with the DS who confirmed that X did not lose his position he resigned.  I was told that X stated it was now time to take care of me, he wanted to fix up the house and maybe travel.  I would have loved that.  That had been one of my big goals all along.
 
To me from my attorney….
"He says he that you couldn’t get along with the music minister and refused to go to church so that he lost the position."

My letter to my attorney
Hey Joanne,
When Joe took the position at the church he made it clear to the church that they were not hiring me that I would be a member like everyone else.  That is how it went all those years.  I was drama director and I helped with the music ministry under dave  for years and then Scott  came in.  Initially we worked well together but not for long.  We did not click.  I can remember we argued once ,I don't even know when it was,  I know it had to do with music but I can't remember the details.  I did not leave the church because of him.  If I was not present in the church as much as I had been it was because my father fell ill in the spring of 2007 and  died Nov 2007 of pancreatic cancer.  I took care of him during this painful process, very difficult.  After that my mom started to go down hill very quickly and was soon in hospice care.  She later died Jan 2009.  Very stressful time for me.  That was the main reason I was disconnected. 
Please call Melissa and get the scoop of his voluntary retirement.  It has nothing to do with me.  Please call Mark B., Joe's boss at the time and he will tell you the same.  
Why does this matter?  He already lied and said he was fired and that is not the case. Isn't that enough? 
Her reply to me...
   It really doesn’t have anything to do with support else that he is trying to deflect the fault away from himself.




Joanne
I just called a friend of mine, Melissa  She was on the board at the time joe left. He was not fired. They even had a party for him. She said to call her any time.  I will work on getting you Marks #
Thanks

 I later received a letter from X's boss that confirms that his accusation that I got him fired was a false truth…..
It still amazes me that he could do so much to try to hurt me.  We spent 37 years together.  We had 2 wonderful girls together.  We had a beautiful home and a wonderful grandchild together. Awful how cruel some people can be when they take their eyes off God.   Not how it was suppose to be.
Sad:-(

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Words of Wisdom Guest Post from Blog Her…By So-It-Goes.

I found this post on Blog Her.  It was written by someone who called herself  So-it-goes.  I will put my comments in red….
and, I now pronounce you...
Honestly, the best way I can describe what I went through was like a crazy horror movie, that is just never ending.
I would not wish this on my worst enemy. The death of a marriage, is nothing anyone can understand until you have gone through it yourself. (Just awful. I had no idea)
People are easy to critize by saying, you just gave up, or why did you not try harder, or my favourite, it's a sin.
So dearly beloved, let me explain one thing, no one gets married to get divorced! But as the saying goes, sometimes sh*t happens. It all depends on how you handle it. 
I think after nearly 20 months, I have the courage to honestly and brutely share my story. All I wish to do is just give hope  to  those other woman out there that made the same decision as me, to just breath, hold on to your horses, it aint gonna be easy, but in the end, trust me, we all survive. (Yes we will!)
Dropping the big D word...
Until today, I truely do not know, where I got the courage and the willpower to have done what I did. As I am sitting here and typing this, I get goosebumps just thinking about last year March, where I was standing in the garden and how the words just flew out of my mouth. 
After 10 years, after spending 24 hours 7 days a week together, day in and day out,with no children,  for the first time it felt as if I could breath.
But and this is the biggest but of all, after saying those words, I had no idea what hell my life would become. How I had to fight for my right to be a woman, to be able to make my own decisions, to be proud of who I have become.  
INHALE.... EXHALE…(In the early days it was an accomplishment to just keep breathing, but it slowly gets easier to breath:-)
So if you too are going through this awful pain please keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will make it to the other side.  Turn to your friends and to your faith.
Kathiey:-)

Monday, November 10, 2014

Monday Morning Motivation. "Broken in The Right Places" by Alan Nelson

Here are a few quotes from a book I am reading, 
"Broken in the Right Places" by Alan Nelson.
 Chapt. 1 & 2

"A breaking process, as it emerges in these pages, allows us the often painful opportunity to grow and reach a level of maturity which cannot otherwise be achieved"

"The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong at the broken places"
Ernest Hemingway

"Almost everyone of us", says Gordon MacDonald, "will encounter some issue that introduces us to brokenness at a far greater intensity then we ever thought possible".

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart.  He heals the broken hearted.  A divine romance exists between the broken and their Creator"

Alan places questions for reflection at the end of each chapter.  I will answer two.
"Have you gone through specific wilderness periods you could refer to as times of brokenness?  What were they?"
          My husband leaving me unexpectedly after 37 years of marriage.  

"How could a breaking process enhance one's relationship with God?"
          I entered what I will call a pit of sorrow.  Entering that type of emotional despair makes you realize just how much you need God in your life.  I believe I have never relied so fully on God and his promises as I have during this time.  He is my savior, my friend, my father.  He is daily teaching me to lean on him to direct my path.  He is bringing me back to a place of joy even in the confusion and pain.
For that I am grateful:-)

Happy Monday Everyone!
Enjoy Your World:-)

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Meetup Group Questions (with my answers) for Group Meeting Nov 23rd. "Help I've Been Thrown Away"

Help! I’ve Been Thrown Away!
Kathiey V.

“Now I know I have a heart because its breaking”
The Tin Man 
(The Wizard of Oz)

****
My Story
*How did you find out he was leaving?  How and why did you decide to leave him?

"I found a letter in the mail from an attorney.  My first thought was I am the only one that gets letters from attorneys, due to my parents death.  I googled the name of the attorney and found she was a divorce attorney. My husband of 37 years had filed for legal separation.  I was given no warning and no offer of counseling.  I called him and told him to come home.  He knew his plan had been discovered and called my girls and told them he was leaving me and I would need their support.  I don't think he cared much about support for me he just wanted to appear to be the good guy.  I was so upset with him for telling our daughters in that manner.  To this day my family does not know the truth for which I have piles of evidence.  I don’t think they really want to know.....at least not yet.  And I understand that."


*Was it a surprise or did you see it coming?  If you decided to leave him what was the turning point for you to actually go through with it?

"It was a horrific surprise.  In hind sight there were many questions over the years as to his loyalty to the marriage but I sure did not see this coming.  We were entering our retirement years, we had a grandson, we had a little extra money and we could finally enjoy life. He threw it all away."

*What were your thoughts and reactions when you found out he was leaving? If you left him what were your thoughts and reactions when you made your decision to leave?  Was your response emotional and physical?

"For me since I was blindsided I experienced many strong emotions all in a very short period of time.  First anger in what he was doing to his family.  Then shock and disbelief coupled with fear, sorrow, regret, despair.  I was in a state of constant worry that led to depression.  On the day I learned of his plan to leave me my skin started to literally burn.   My Dr. said it is an anxiety reaction and that it could take literally years to recover.
My physical symptoms were headaches, nausea, decreased appetite, skin burning, insomnia and anxiety.  When I closed my eyes I would see literal waves of blackness.  Fear had started to take hold. 

“Love sometimes comes like a dream and leaves like a nightmare”
Unknown Author

****
Current Challenges and Questions
*What are my and concerns this week/month?
Getting a financial planner.  
Beginning research on refinancing my home.

*What do I have to face and do now?
The fact that my X refuses to sign a check that would give me a tax refund on the sale of my inherited property.  He is insisting part of my inheritance is his and wants 50%.  Early on during court proceedings he said that my inheritance was partially his.  We had to go back to the attorney that was handling my parents estate for me to prove he was not named as a beneficiary.  It cost me $500 to prove that point.  Well here we go again.  My parents are turning over in their graves.

*Goals to accomplish these tasks?  Make a to-do list.
Reach out for help with my finances.
Give everything  to God.
Set up appointments with refinance folks

*Questions I have for others in regard to my challenges.
Does anyone know a good financial planner?
“Battles are fought in our minds everyday.  When we begin to feel the battle is just too difficult and want to give up, we must choose to resist negative thoughts and be determined to rise above our problems.  We must decide that we’re not going to quit.  When we’re bombarded with doubts and fears, 
we must take a stand and say “I’ll never give up!  God’s on my side.  
He loves me and he is helping me.  I’m going to make it”
Joyce Meyer



Finding Strength through......
****
My Faith

*My prayer requests:

Tax refund situation
Finding financial planner
Refinancing my home
My book



*Prayers for others:
My friend Phil with cancer and his wife Joanie that is caring for him.
My brother Jim with cancer
The women in this meetup group.



*A scripture that helps me make it through the day.
I can do all things through him who give me strength
Philippians 4:3




*Looking for God’s beauty in the pain.  What am I thankful for?:
Caleb, Brodie, Friends, Fall colors, my daughters.



Reading/Media
*What are your reading or watching?  Any interesting quotes or discoveries.

“Pawleys Island”- About a woman going through a divorce and separation and how a strong female attorney steps up to help her.  My friend gave me the book.  She said it mirrored my story in many ways.

Biggest Loser Quote-” Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I respond to it”  Sonya, biggest loser contestant.

“If you are going through Hell keep going”  Winston Churchill



Friendships 

*Go out with your friends
Every chance I get!

*Advice from my friends.

*How to make new friends.
I may join a club of folks my age that take time to enjoy life.  There is a membership fee but probably well worth it.  I will be meeting with the CEO of the group for coffee or wine to see if the group is a good fit for me.



****
Taking Care of Me


*What have I done for myself?
Spent time with friends
Zumba
Fixed up my back porch
Blogging
Blogging

*Things that help me survive?
God, prayer and devotional times, friends, getting out and doing things.  Exercise/Zumba


*My Goals to have fun and enjoy life?
Continue to get out and do the things I used to love.
Get back to my A-Z adventures
Joining a connections group



“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”
Philippians 4:13

See you at small group ladies.  Come ready to share
Love and Hugs
Kathiey:-)
©





Friday, November 7, 2014

Weekly Inspiration….Quote From Pinterest

(Photo from Pinterest)
"Lord help me to always see you in everything.  Help me to take these weeds in my life and create something beautiful.  Amen"

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Wisdom From the Web….Huff Post Divorce Pages

(My opinions in red:-)
By Anita Yok Sim Ho
No one gets married so that they can get a divorce. And definitely no one expects an affair to rock their marriage. So how do you move on if this happens to you? You may feel pressure from external forces, like your family, society or even your spouse to stay in the marriage. But only you know if this is possible — for many, the broken bonds and breach of trust are irreparable. Moving on from your marriage won't be easy, but if it's the right thing for you, it will be worth the journey. Luckily, there are many ways you can ease the pain and make the process as healthy and productive as possible.
Here, relationship expert Anita Yok Sim Ho offers her top 10 tips on dealing with the aftermath of infidelity.
1. Accept that the marriage is over. Stop emotionally investing in the past. The more you hold onto the past, the more you will recreate it in your present moment and in the future. Go through the logistics of separating your lives. Take off your wedding ring. Ask yourself honestly: Are you stalling the divorce process? Why? Do you feel scared to let go? (Initially I did not want to accept the marriage was over.  I prayed God would work in X's life to see that he had broken a promise to God and to me.  Several weeks down the road I realized this was not going to happen and even further down the road I realized why it should not happen.  I did pawn my ring because the painful realization that it was not a promise but a lie became clear).
2. Allow yourself to feel. You cannot heal what you do not recognize consciously. Be aware of your thoughts, bodily sensations, and reactions. This is a time when you may think you're going crazy with mood swings and harsh self-criticism. Feel and dive into the pain without denial of its presence. It won't go away if you constantly shove it aside. (The initial emotions are awful.  I do not have the words to adequately describe them.  My first response was that I could not handle such deep emotional pain.  I wanted to escape.  I tried to find bandaids to ease the pain.  I soon realized that these bandaids just covered a festering wound.  The pain had to be faced so I could move on.  This is a process.  The time frame is different for everyone.  I am slowly getting better:-)
3. Know that feeling afraid is normal. Learn to face and overcome your fears by taking a close look at your anxiety over the marriage ending and ask yourself if it is truly valid. Usually the majority of what you think you're afraid of has no real basis. If you are afraid your next partner will cheat on you, ask yourself if you are just telling yourself this because it's what you experienced in the past. (My fears center around my family.  The impact this will have on my daughters and my grandson.  My future and finances are also a concern.  I have learned to turn to God for wisdom).
4. Learn what nurtures you. Accept yourself completely — all that you are, and all that you are not. Spend time alone joyfully by journaling, reading, and meditating. Now is the time to do that one thing you always meant to do but kept putting it off. You have the power to create a life of your own making. Be proactive and take full responsibility for your happiness. (My faith, my friends, my job, photography, blogging, helping others).
5. Learn to express emotions instead of just talking about them. Deal with the anger constructively, without harming yourself or others. Find a support system with a trusted friend or professional who can give you the space to just be with your feelings. (My Meetup Group of Throw Away Women.  They are my inspiration).
6. Express yourself authentically. The energy it takes to keep up pretenses is not worth it. By being real with people, you will find yourself connecting to others in a way you never had before, which speeds up the recovery process. If you feel betrayed by your spouse's infidelity, express that honestly and constructively. If you feel scared or relieved, do not be ashamed to talk about that, either. (I do express myself.  Blogging, Meetup Group For Women.)
7. Forgive. Realize that forgiveness is really more for your benefit than for the other person's. As the famous saying goes: "Holding onto anger is like drinking the poison and expecting the other to die." (Working on it.  Not there yet.)
8. Trust the process. Keep going. Every step, no matter how small, is moving you forward. It may not always seem that way, but you're making positive progress toward a healthier future without infidelity.  (Baby Steps.  In the beginning it was an effort to just get out of bed.  We need to keep pushing on.)
9. Set long-term goals for yourself. This is a real indicator that you have let go of the past and are ready to move on. Start to sow the seeds for your future, and create some exciting plans for yourself.  (I am beginning to set goals and it feels good:-).
10. Realize you always have a choice. Life can seemingly throw stuff at you out of left field. With every circumstance that comes your way, you have a choice in how to deal with the situation. Where there is life, there is always hope and possibilities to come.  (I do have a choice and I choose hope:-)
Hope you guys enjoyed the article and that you could apply some of it to your life situation.  Hold unto your faith and to your friends.  Remember God loves you and stands beside you.
Kathiey:-)

Monday, November 3, 2014

Monday Morning Motivation "Faith"

 I am always looking for quotes.  Quotes from famous people, from the homeless on the street just trying to survive, and all of us in-between just trying to make sense of life.  I was watching The Biggest Loser on HuLu the other day.  These folks face a difficult challenge.  Trying to lose a lot of weigh and make difficult life style change.  Its tough because when you reach a low it is hard to crawl back to the top again.
   It is pretty much the same with an unwanted life event.  It could be a health issue, the loss of a job, the death of a loved one or in my case an unwarranted and unnecessary separation.  Suddenly your life plans and goals and dreams are shattered.  You find yourself confused not knowing how to pull yourself up again.
   Sonya on the Biggest Loser puts it this way…"Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I respond to it".  I don't know if I agree with the percents but I do agree with the thought.  Getting through and getting by and even growing stronger in our faith and in our lives is all about how we respond to adversity.   I believe that you can achieve great things even through difficulties by learning from others, by putting one foot in front of the other day by day, and by leaning heavily on your faith.
(From Pinterest)

Happy Monday Everyone!
Enjoy Your World:-)