Sunday, August 31, 2014

My Story Page 8….Trust Your Gut...

It has been a bit over a year since my nightmare began.  Those first few weeks the fog remained heavy.  I could barely put one foot in front of the other.  I remained in shock and was sinking deeper into depression.  I still held out hope for our family.  After "X" moved out he kept returning to fix up things around the house.  He continued to say we were working together.  He appeared to be in a state of elation. Just so happy. Each time he came home my emotional pain would intensify.  I would be thinking crazy things like "you say we are working together so why not just stay together and work on our marriage?"  I would later find out why.  I would later find out many things that happened over the years that amaze me.  How could I have been so blind you ask?  To answer that question I have to go back to the man I thought I married.  The man I put my trust in and thought I knew. A man who claimed he wanted to serve God and who would do his best to follow Christ's teachings.  So over the years when I found his excuses for being out late a bit questionable I would just think…."There is no way he is doing anything wrong because he was a man of God".  I would tell myself that I was being too suspicious and ridiculous.  Well all I have to say about that, today,  is please go with your gut.  It may be trying to tell you something.  Don't second guess yourself.

I remember the turning point for me.  It was actually two things that made the lightbulb go off that he was not truly my friend as he kept saying. The first was that "X" had come over to do some work.  I was in the house when he first came in.  I did not say anything when he walked in I was in tears, which had become an hourly occurrence. He was oblivious to my pain and excitedly spoke about a race he had been in and how he did not have his salt tablets and how much he missed them.  I just sat there in stunned amazement that he could be so cold and clueless.  The second was that either earlier that day or a day or so before my neighbor questioned my thinking.  He was aware of the fact that "X" was promising to be my friend and that he continued to come over to "help" me.  He said Kathy this just does not feel right.  My vision became slightly clearer and I could see I was placing my hope in an empty dream, a dying dream.  (Later my vision would become clearer still.  I am finding out things on a regular basis that make me feel my vision will never be 20/20) That was the last day I saw X except for Caleb's birthday party, court dates, depositions, and mediation.  It was for the best.

I am no longer in a fog.  I still continue to recover and give it to God.  I still have a way to go but I am on a much better path and enjoy my life.
My advice for you…..
If he is doing this to you he is not your friend.
Get control of your bank account.
Turn to your friends.  Talk to God and remember he is with you.
See a Dr for some medication if you need to….I did.
Don't sign anything.  Hire an attorney.
Remember this is not the end of your life just a new chapter and you will be happy again:-)

"May your unfailing love rest upon us Lord.  Even as we put our hope in you"
Psalm 33:20-22

Sunday, August 24, 2014

My Story Page 7. The Shock and Surrounding Fog of the Early Days….

To say I was walking around in a fog during the early days of this new reality is probably an understatement.  "X" was still living in my home.  He was friendly and full of laughter he appeared to be so happy about his new life change.  He even started fixing up things around the house, getting me to hold tools for him while he worked on the screened porch, fixing up the closet in the bedroom. He kept telling me how happy we would be. He did the majority of the talking telling me how things were going to be so wonderful and that we would remain friends.  I remained in numb.  I would say very little.  I kept hoping he would realize he was destroying our family unit.  Praying he would remember the times he talked of the great pain it caused him and his family when his parents separated and divorced.  How he had told me he would never do this to his family and that he was not like his father.  How he said he was going to break this cycle of separation and divorce in his family.   Sadly he did not break the cycle, he continued it.
In the early days I was barely able to put one foot in front of the other.  I was completely blindsided. I literally believe I was in a form of shock.  This shock would lead me down a path to deep sadness and depression, I will tell you that story another time.
"X" told me he had drawn up separation papers with his attorney.  He said it would be easy that we would go sit in an office with an attorney and sign the papers together.  He said his attorney had a list of lawyers that could help me. He said the entire process would be easy.   All I had to do was sign the papers.
I continued to work.  I did miss the day after I found the letter but after that I only missed on court  dates, another story/stories, for later.  I remember my co-workers and boss warned me, "Don't sign anything!" I spoke with attorneys that crossed my path and they too said not to sign anything.  They warned me "he is not your friend".  (Sadly I still wanted to believe that he was).
Did I sign the papers?  No.  Do I wish I would have?  No.  Did I hire my own attorney?  Yes.
Am I glad I did?  Yes.  Did he remain my friend?   No.  Is there more to the story?  Yes.
If you find yourself in this situation.  Please reach out to your friends.  You are not crazy and you are not alone.  You are God's child and he loves you more then you know.  Hold tightly to your faith.
Hugs and Blessings

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Help! I've been thrown away.

Just sharing a letter that I am sending out to many local folks in my area.  A letter seeking people on this  road of separation and divorce.  This will also be the site where we will have updates on the meetings.  Wish you all lived close enough to join.

" I am writing this letter because I have been through a trauma.  The pain of a husband walking out after 37 years of marriage.
     My husband was a pastor for nearly 20 years.  Being a pastor's wife I thought I could understand the pain that one felt when faced with separation and divorce.  I realize now, that this has become my reality, that I was extremely short sighted in thinking I could even begin to relate.  I had no idea!   The emotional and physical extensions of this pain can be debilitating.   Day to day responsibilities seem insurmountable.  You become oddly paralyzed.
     It has been over a year since this new chapter began in my life.  Am I completely recovered?  No.  Not completely.  My Dr. tells me it can take two to three years to even start to feel whole again.  I have come a very long way in the past year though and I am thankful for all the support of my friends.  I am thankful for my faith and the knowledge that God is beside me.
     I believe that if I suppressed this reality in my life and just move on like it never happened I would be lying to myself.  I believe that God can use our experiences and our pain to help others on the same journey.  I too believe others on this road can help me.  

"Experience is not what happens to you.  It is what you do with what happens to you.
Don't wast your pain.  Use it to help others"
Rick Warren.

     I am starting a small group for women, like me, who have been thrown away.  For women who have faced infidelity and betrayal and find themselves entering the reality of separation and divorce.  This will be a faith based group, not church specific.  My hope is to have a group where we listen, support and pray for one another as we go through the many changes that face us.  We can give advice based on our experience and learn from one another as we face all the new challenges that confront us.  We can learn to give our fears and worries to God and let him carry them, (this I have found to be a one day at a time, sometimes on minute at a time process).  In this group we will pray for one another, cry with one another, maybe even go to court with one another.  We will seek Gods direction in our lives.  There will be no judgement in this group, we are all going through different stages of grief.  Our emotions both positive and negative are normal.  We will give them to God and seek his guidance in dealing with these emotions.
     This group will meet in my home twice a month on Thursday evenings. There will be other opportunities to meet as well such as outings, and dinner, (maybe a weekend trip:-). I hope to have fun and even laugh together as we attempt to live our lives to the fullest placing God at the helm. We will all be on call for the phone call in the night when one feels they can't go on.  I have been there. It is awful. 
     If you know anyone in this situation that you feel could use this type of support, someone in the first few years of this trauma, please have them e-mail me.  I hope to start the group in late Sept. or early Oct. " 
     Please pray for us!

Monday, August 18, 2014

Monday Morning Motivation

"I am leaving you with a gift, peace of mind and heart.
And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.
So don't be troubled or afraid."
John 14:27
Happy Monday Everyone!
Enjoy Your World:-)

Monday, August 11, 2014

My Story Page 6….The Other Letter, My Letter...

To say I was shocked and deeply hurt and angry does not begin to sum up the flood of emotions I felt that night.  Shocked and deeply hurt that he would do this to our family.  Angry on so many levels at the unnecessary pain this would cause everyone.
I found out on June 4 of his plan to destroy our family.  I wrote this letter on June 6, 2013.  I can remember how I felt late that night typing this letter….

I am really sorry you are so sad.  You say you have “never” been happy but there has to have been sometime in 37 years that you have been happy.

Do you realize that you are not happy in anything? 

In  your job you are stressed, everybody lying to everyone, people sneaking around not being honest.  No trust.  Not a good situation.

The same thing is happening with your family.  Everyone upset, people hiding things, talking about each other behind each others backs.  Not a good situation. I think if you could help your mom to focus on the positive, that it may make her happy in her final years.  You can’t recapture the past.  Wishing she would have left him years ago will not make her happy in the now. I don’t think it would have made her happy then.  She was very unhappy being separated from him, I remember those days.

In our marriage the same thing is happening.  No openness or honesty.  Going to see counselors and lawyers without a word to me. You say you are not happy.  There has been no attempt to improve our marriage.  I have been asking for literally years that we try to develop a base of friends, that we find something in common that we can do together.  It has not been a priority. If these things are important they need to be worked on.  I may see you 10 minutes a day if at all.  Not a good situation.
(I do realize that you have taken my picture out of your office and replaced them with your old childhood photos.  Pictures of your siblings, which have never made you happy either. People you have told me you never want to see again when your mom passes. Kinda hurt me and makes me wonder just where your head is)

You say you are trying to be happy.  So you put in the garden to make you happy.  You are never in the garden.
You put in the man cave to make you happy.  You are never in the man cave. 
We are developing a beautiful home, you only sleep here.

Instead of a counselor that sits around and bashes your marriage and tries to get you to legally separate from your wife.  Lets try one that builds up the family.  One where we don’t rehash the past, because we all have our issues, but one that puts focus on a happy present and future.  I will find one if you are interested. We do have a lot to be happy for. If you would just take the time to look around.  

I think our marriage is worth fighting for.  But, it will take honesty, no more sneaking around. It takes positivity and effort.  Which I am willing attempt, if you are.

I wish you could have been in church on Sunday.  He spoke to the beauty around us.  That, in itself, should make us happy. I did a blog post on it....

I hope we can attempt to salvage this relationship.  We now have a bit more money and can do the things that we said we have always wanted to do.  Vacations with the family and together.  Family holidays and gatherings at our home.  All wonderful things.  We could actually find something in common that we could enjoy together. We could watch Caleb grow up and he could always be welcome at NaNa and PaPa’s.  Life could be good.  You know what, it already is. But, I don’t know if you can see that?

I do love you and I am not exactly why you are doing this now.

I will see you at 10am

I never got a reply.  His mind was made up.
My be continued

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Common Bond….

(I think I am the one in the middle:-)

I love this photo I found on Linkedin.  There is such truth in this….

This is amazingly good advice.  I am slowly surrounding myself with people that are in the same boat that I find myself in.  Going through a divorce not of our choosing.  I call us, affectionately, the Throw Away Women.  There is strength, support, encouragement, friendship, renewed hope and faith and even fun to be found in a common bond.  I am thankful!
Surround yourself with many friends.
Enjoy Your World!

Monday, August 4, 2014

My Story…Page 5….The Letter.

I remember it was a Tuesday night.  It was the first week in June 2013. I worked on this particular Tuesday.  Only thing my mind was getting through the day and heading home.  I would go for a walk with Brodie, make a quick and tasty dinner and relax for the evening.  It is amazing that one event can change your entire life in the blink of an eye.  That is what happened to me on this particular Tuesday.  I had a very nice work day and made it home. I was thinking all was "normal".  But my normal would suddenly change as I picked up the evening mail.  There was a letter from an attorney to "X".  "That's odd", I thought to myself, "I was the only one getting letters from attorney's", because of my inheritance.  I had never looked at his email, had never opened his letters, had never checked his phone.  I had wanted to, these last several months because I knew something was not right, but I did not.  I did not want to cross the line between trust and distrust.  I googled the name of the attorney and found out he was getting correspondence from a divorce attorney.  So that is how I found out the man I trusted and was married to for 37 years was leaving me.  He never said a word to me about his plan.  There was no offer of counseling, no attempt to resolve what he viewed as our problems.  Nothing.  Just a letter from a divorce attorney to him.
My pain begins…..
You know what God says to that?  "I will never leave you or forsake you"
Thank you God!