Thursday, July 24, 2014

"Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal" by Vikki Stark

(As advertised on Amazon)
I can't wait to read this book.  I find it interesting to hear the stories of other women that have been thrown away.  For many of us it came as a shock, we had no idea.  For many of us there is no warning or any attempt to try to save the family.  For many of us, at least for me my soon to be X never said a word.  I found out accidently.  Sometimes they are just gone.  I am stunned at the number of people I meet nearly every week who are going through this or who have gone through it.  I can say now that I do understand the pain of being thrown away.  I also believe we can help each other through it.  With our friends and our faith we can come out on the other side stronger women. Women who realize we did not deserve to be thrown away.
Here is an excerpt from her book….
If you read the book let me know what you think.
Remember you may feel alone but you are not alone!

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Enlighten Me…Words of Wisdom from the Web….Butterfly

I was reading a post on one of my favorite sites, Divorced  There are many stories out there by many women thrown away by the man that promised to "love and to cherish till death do we part".  Empty words, empty promises.  Here is a post by Moxie.  You can feel her pain but she is moving on to better things…
When The Caterpillar Stops Fighting the Inevitable
I was shattered. Pieces of myself were lost, lost forever. I was a shell. Do you know what it feels like to be an empty shell? So lost, with no idea how to find who you were.
For a long time, this was my story. Everything I had to give, what was left, went to my son. Breastfeeding, diaper changes, tummy time, playtime, reading books…. Just going through the motions – anything to just get through another day. I was a broken woman.
This is what I allowed infidelity and divorce to do to me. I am thankful my little kiddo will have no memory of the time when his mommy was lost. I still may not know where I am going but I am glad the fog is lifting. 
I cannot erase the fact I was broken. I cannot erase the hurts. I have acknowledged them, no longer running.   No longer searching, with no idea what I was looking to find. 
I read a book the other day. Wasted a day reading. What a wonderful waste! It was not a book on dealing with infidelity or how to recover after a divorce, but a sci-fi paranormal book. I escaped into another world. It was something I did on a regular basis before my life was too much. I felt a little of my old self-returning.
It was book I purchased during my pregnancy and have looked at almost everyday. Every day saying, “I need to read again”. Yet, I never picked it up to read. I had lost my desire to read. To have your world shattered in such a way that the simple pleasure of reading is gone. That is where I was. This is what I allowed myself to become.
I was shattered and I was broken, but I was not destroyed. I am slowly putting my pieces back together again. I will never be the same. Forever changed. The life I envisioned will never be. I fought the change for so long.
I still do not where I am going. But I know looking backwards is not moving forward. I am learning to let go of those expectations I held on to so tightly. 
I do not expect to be same person I was before. I have changed. The caterpillar has become a butterfly.
 Peace out, Moxie

I can relate in many ways to her story.  I too was "shattered", I like to call it blindsided by the "man" that promised to love me forever.  I too felt lost.  I too went through the motions of a broken woman and can relate to past relationships and pending divorce, I too was in a fog and cannot erase the pain of betrayal.  
One thing I have found in going through this process is that you do lose the joy in the things that you used to love.  I, like Moxie, am beginning to feel joy in these things.  It took months but I now find joy in photography.  I used to love to read and finally after more then a year I have finished a book just for fun.  It is a process.
I too am feeling like a bit of my old self is returning.  I love so many things and I love the gift of life that God has given me.  I love the beauty of God's creation.  I love the opportunity to help others going through this pain. An amazing opportunity.
I like Moxie am not looking backward but am moving forward.  That does not mean I will not tell my story because I hope I can use my experience to help the many others I have found on this journey.  Like Moxie I am not the same person I was, I too have changed.  
Moxie you have inspired me.  I think I will go read a Si-Fi book, just for fun.  I can't wait:-)
"Commit your way to the Lord, trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."
Psalm 37:5-7
Remember God is with you and loves you!

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Monday Morning Motivation….Layers…The Good and the Bad...

I have been reading a unique book, The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake, by Aimee Bender.  I found the premise of the book to be very interesting.  The main character in this book has a gift.  Her gift is the ability to taste feelings and emotions in the food that someone prepares for her.  She can taste joy, betrayal, fear, loneliness, all the feelings and emotions, the truths, hidden in the layers of the food.  This is how she gets to know who you really are.
That go me thinking, "what would my daughters and friends know about me if I were to have them over for a homemade meal?".  What would they taste in the layers?
I know they would experience some unpleasant layers.  Layers brought on by being thrown away.  They would taste the emotional pain of abandonment.  They would know the  hurt and sadness brought on by a family divided and the physical discomfort of anxiety. If this was all they were able to taste it would not be a very nice meal.   But that is not all….
I know they would come away inspired by the beauty that surrounds them, as I do…

I know that they could feel the strong faith that I have in God.  The knowledge that he walks beside me/them, and he holds our hand.
They would taste the joy I feel when I am with my friends.  They would know that I love fun, going on adventures, laughter, and hugs.  How much I love to sing and take photos.  How I do my best to give all my worries and concerns to God.  How I strive to find beauty and hope even in the challenges of life.  They would taste the strong hope I have in my life and  how much I love them.  They would taste joy:-)
"For I am the LORD your God, who takes hold of your right hand, 
who says to you, 'Don't be afraid. I'll help you."
Isaiah 41:13
I would love to know what I would taste in your food….
Happy Monday Everyone!
Enjoy Your World

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Enlighten Me…..Words of Wisdom From the Web….

Something new...  I will be sharing words from others that I find on divorce sites and blogs.  I will call it Words of Wisdom from the Web.
If you follow other people going through divorce, as I do, you will continue to hear the word narcissism.  It seems to dominate every divorce site I encounter. Here is an article I found by Mark Banschick on Divorced Mom's.  His article is called, Narcissism: The Personality Disorder You do NOT Want to Marry!
I hope you enjoy his writing, I found it to be very interesting…..

 Narcissism: The Personality Disorder You do NOT Want to Marry!
"As most of you know, narcissism fits in a psychiatric category called Personality Disorders. These folks have a maladaptive style of functioning in the world that can be hurtful to them or to others. Here is an abbreviated view of narcissism (with some minor alterations to make this character type clearer):
• Exaggerated sense of one’s talents and importance
• Fantasies of great romance, great insight or great achievement
• Excessive need for admiration and attention
• Powerful sense of entitlement – can rationalize selfish acts as perfectly normal
• Tendency to use people as objects
• Lacks true empathy; but often can feign empathy quite well
• Easily hurt – and easily injures others (sometimes badly)
• Obsessed with oneself
• Lacks capacity to be self critical
We all have elements of these traits. Some may argue that this list beautifully describes most healthy teenagers! Yet, what if an adult is truly trapped in this personality set? It can spell trouble for them and those who are their wives and children.
However flawed, the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder has real value. You need to know what you are dealing with. And if you are the Narcissist, you will ultimately benefit from understanding why you go from failed relationship to failed relationship – and why you never have enough, despite your looks, money or success.
The hole in your life is on the inside.
Every Narcissist is different. They each have a separate array of the 100 Billion neurons. They each have a different upbringing and they each have the above traits in varying degrees. The last criterion is one that I added, because in my experience, it is most critical. Most Personality Disorders lack the ability to look at themselves critically, as if from the outside. Criticism is too easily seen as an attack, and not a useful insight. Narcissists in this way are primitive psychologically. They just can’t be wrong.
The Narcissist will try to please the therapist with his brilliance, warmth, or charm. He will stake out all the ways he has been let down by others and rationalize everything that he may do that is hurtful. In the world of divorce, for instance, a Narcissist may simply drop the marriage because “the love was not good enough” and then get outraged that his wife won’t just go along with it. After all, “isn’t it better that we both should be happy?”
He fails to see her as a person , and just assumes that she should feel the way he does. Then, he gets angry with her for being upset, avoids any criticism and may go so far as to feel justified in poisoning the kids against their mom. “The kids are better off without her.” Once he cuts bait, how she ends up is not his concern – relationships are ultimately chess pieces to be moved around. The loyalty you sometimes see in a good divorce exists only in his words, not in his deeds.
One scary point: People with NPD can be vicious when frustrated. Divorce regresses them further and sometimes domestic violence is possible. Whether you buy into the NPD diagnosis or not, it is dangerous to be a position of vulnerability with someone who feels justified in hurting you because he or she has lost control. Many women (and some men) can’t get their heads around the fact that someone who once loved them can hurt them (or their kids). Get help if you think this is your problem.
The downside to the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is that it can become a cheap catch phrase that you can use whenever you don’t like someone. It makes you feel superior because you have a label for him or her. It may be a sign of your own self importance if you reduce someone to a diagnosis. I buy into that.
So, do Narcissists exist?

In the fluid world of psychiatric nosology, I think the term Narcissist has value.

Here are some lessons that may be helpful:

1. Narcissists are people who are remarkably self-centered to the point of exploitation.

2. A Narcissist may be so entitled that he doesn’t even see himself as hurting others.

3. It is easy to be attracted  to a Narcissist. They often possess admirable talents and looks. In my experience, many love romance – but not long term love.

4. If you have a lover,  spouse or ex with these traits, just know that you may not count to her as much as you think. Knowing this can help protect you.

5. Yes, he may have loved you. He may be incredibly handsome, a great lover and an interesting person but notice how much of what he has done is self referential. He is far from selfless.

6. When it comes to love, most narcissists are more in love with love than in love with you.

7. Once the relationship is over, your history with him is not that important.

8. Many of these characters have a tough time getting older and good therapy can help them transition to being a better person. Generally, this happens when their beauty, wealth or accomplishments fail to work for them anymore.

9. The mid life crisis of a narcissist can be one of the more satisfying psychotherapies. They need love like everyone else; and better late than never.

10. Narcissists as a group have a powerful sense of urgency. They want a lot out of this life. And some of them make a real contribution to the worlds of acting, academics, religion, politics, science, literature and yes, psychology. Their pain is often internal – as in a relentless lack of satisfaction – and external – as in the debris of many failed relationships.

Narcissism is a useful term, even if it can be misused. It’s good to have words that can help you know what you’re dealing with. And, if you have these traits, knowing the full picture of narcissism may help you wake up to why you’re so chronically demanding – or empty. And, if your lover, friend, parent or spouse is narcissistic, you’ll have a better picture of what’s going on.

Caution: Not every hurtful person is a Narcissist. Sometimes he is just an Asshole. There is a difference.

Bottom Line: People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are problematic people. They miss out on much of the subtle beauty of life.

Just, if you are close to one – protect yourself."
Thanks for sharing with us Mark Banschick!

Friday, July 4, 2014

My Story cont…Page 4…."Little Did I Know"

Back to a somewhat better time...I was extremely excited.   What I had hoped for was coming true. (All thanks to my parents giving me a very nice inheritance,  now mostly gone, more to follow on that.)
I could finally afford to take my family on vacation.  I had dreams of many more to come. All of us loaded into two cars and headed to the mountains.
Erica and Caleb ready for travel...
We rented a beautiful home near Waynesville.  I love wood and stone and this house was full of it.  Beautiful!

This would be the last bed where X and I would sleep, and only sleep, together.
Little did I know he was already planning his exit.
Little did I know this would be our first and last family vacation.
Little did I know that I would learn more then I could have ever imagined about his secrets.
Little did I know I would continue to learn what was hidden
even up to this day and probably for years to come.

Little did I know that this smile would turn to tears and depression.

Little did I know this would be our last family photo...
 X spent much of his time on the phone.  He warned me of this when we arrived.  He said he had so much work to do. He was completely removed from me.  He did manage to go on a few hikes with us and to go out to eat.  The bulk of his time was spent on the phone or jogging?  I would later find through subpoenaed phone records what phone # he called.  It was not work. He spent literally hours on the phone during this trip.  More to follow on this when share the deposition of X.  But we have not made it that far yet….

I had fun on this mountain trip with my family.  Little did I know our family would soon be divided by one person with his own selfish agenda.  Little did I know that this was nothing new. To quote a friend as I look back "the scales fell from my eyes" and I can see more clearly.
To Kathiey..."I will never leave you or forsake you"
From God
(Thank you God! Our one constant:-)