Sunday, May 31, 2015

Mending What is Broken.

Several weeks ago  I had the opportunity to visit the Museum of Art in Raleigh NC.  Every time I visit I find something unique.  The exhibit that caught my eye on this particular day was a piece,  or should I say "pieces",  of art called Bride.   It was explained to me that this was a like marriage.  If you look at the top, the wedding, of the piece you see perfection.  As the years go by you begin to see that it slowly becomes disheveled and uncared for.  I could relate to this piece of art having just been abandoned by my husband just a short time ago.  It got me thinking about how we throw things that could be repaired away as though they are not worthy of the time to repair them.

"We live in a disposable society.  It's easier to throw things out then to fix them."
Neil LaBu
To me that is extremely sad.  A family or a person should not be thrown away.  It is just not right, at least not in my mind.

"But marriage goes in waves.  You've got to be patient.  
People bail and give up on their marriages way to early.  
They just don't put the work and the effort into it."
Anna Benson

"For I hate divorce says the Lord the God of Israel"
Malachi 2:16

 "I beg you take courage; the brave soul can mend even disaster"
Catherine the Great

"But whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected.
By this we may know that we are in Him"
1 John 2:5

"Each divorce is the death of a small civilization"
Pat Conroy
I agree Pat.  I call it the death of a family.
"The decisions you make are a choice of values that reflect your life in every way"
Alice Waters
Alice, it is not always the decisions that we make, but the decisions that were made for us.  We can't control the negative ways that people choose to dictate our paths.  I strongly value marriage and for me personally only view abuse and infidelity as catalyst for divorce.  What we can do is our best to learn from the experience and move on.  We can attempt to forgive and reflect our values in future decisions.  I think part of that too is trying to find ways to help others going through this same pain.

So what is next?  I don't know,  but I am coming to a place of embracing it.  I place everything in God's hands.  I pray that he pushes me in the direction that I need to go.  
I hold tight to His promise, "I will never leave you or forsake you"
Thank you God:-)

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Monday Morning Motivation....Scriptures of Hope

Those of you that know me know that I am writing a book.  This book is about the pain and shock of being abandoned, the most painful event in my life,  and my journey back to joy.  I was looking over the scriptures in my book, scriptures of hope that helped me survive the early days of my trauma.  I feel these verses could be a comfort at anytime in our lives....
2 Corinthians 12:9a 2 Corinthians 4:16
Deuteronomy 31:8 Deuteronomy 31:6
Isaiah 41:10
Jeremiah 17:7-8 Jeremiah 29:11
John 14:18
Joshua 1:9
1 Kings 19:12
Matthew 5:4 Matthew 11:28-29
1 Peter 5:7
Proverbs 3:5-6
Psalm 16:8 Psalm 23 Psalm 25:5 Psalm 28:7a Psalm 32:8 Psalm 34:4 Psalm 34:18 Psalm 40:1-2
Psalm 46:1 Psalm 46:10 Psalm 55:22 Psalm 56:3 Psalm 56:8 Psalm 57:1 Psalm 73:26 Psalm 86:7
Psalm 91:4 Psalm 119:105 Psalm 121:1-2 Psalm 121:5 Psalm 138:3
Romans 8:26
2 Samuel 22:29
Zephaniah 3:17
As you can see most of my comfort comes from the Psalms.  I thought I would share just a few to get us started on our week.

“Don’t be afraid for I am with you.  Don’t be discouraged 
for I am you God.  I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand”
Isaiah 41:10

“When I called to you for help, you answered me and gave me strength”
Psalm 138:3

“The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me”
Psalm 28:7a

“Your word is a lamp that guides my steps, 
a light that shows the path I should take”
Psalm 119:105
Have a great week everyone.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

My Story My Divorce....The Pain...."The Deposition"

On Jan 14, 2014 my husband was deposed.  I was allowed to be present but I was not allowed to speak.  His attorney was there, my attorney,  a court reporter and me. It was difficult to listen as he pled the fifth many many many times and said things I was unaware of or disagreed with.

My responses are in parentheses....

Page 10,
Question: "Tell me when you first made the decision to leave the marriage to Kathy?"

Answer:" It was a series-- I mean it was--there's not one particular date.  The Christmas before, which would be what, Dec. 2012 or --that range, say six months before, had a lot of discussions with my mother over it, who went back and stayed in a marriage that she regrets, and I think that was-- that did impact on me, to still try throughout the spring, wavering back and forth about this, just undecided.  It was a huge decision."  (Thats right, blame your mom)

Question "When did you first start thinking about it?"
Answer "A couple of years ago she asked me if I wanted a divorce and she could handle life without me.." (I wanted to say Object, but I could not.  I just sat there wondering who this person, I thought I knew, had become.  Or perhaps I was just beginning to realize who he had always been and that my trust in him had blinded me)

If you are going through a similar situation please know you are not alone.  You have a God who loves you and has promised to never leave you or forsake you.  Stand strong and God Bless

Monday, May 11, 2015

Monday Morning Motivation..."Waiting"

The key to everything is patience.  
You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.
Arnold H. Glasow

I have learned, through difficult times, that I have no choice but to wait.  I can't rush things even though I may want to.  Many days I want the end result now, I want to "smash the egg".  I make my requests to God speaking to Him as though I expected Him to get it done today.  Then I think better of it, take a deep breath and add the line...."in Your timing Lord".
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:31
Lord thank you for this day you have given us.  As I come before you in prayer today help me to know that you see the big picture and that I don't.  Help me to trust in your timing God.  Help me to wait on you Lord and please renew my strength.  Help me to not grow weary but to keep walking down my path knowing you are beside me. Amen
Happy Monday Everyone.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Guest Post From the Huff Post "11 Pieces of Advice for Anyone Who has Ever Been Left"

If you think you understand the feelings and emotions of a woman going through the pain of "Being Left", you don't.  At least not until you go through it yourself.  I too thought I could relate to the pain of a woman being thrown away but I was mistaken.  I understand it now.  I am nearing my second year in this process and I have gotten stronger but it is a process.  I found this article on the Huff post that many of us can relate to.  Those of you that love someone going through this process can learn from this and maybe be better able to relate to the one on this journey.  To read her article please click this link  "11 Pieces of Advice for Anyone Who has Ever Been Left"

Here is a quote from the article....
"As anyone who has ever been broken up with knows, the feeling of abandonment can be crippling -- but it is in those moments that we feel our lowest we must find the strength to go on."

So here are the 11 pieces of advice. 
 I am listing her advice and then placing my experience below each of them.
1. Keep calm and carry on. 
Easier said then done.  I was so paralyzed in the early days I was anything but calm.  I would just tell myself to breath and that was an accomplishment.  The only thing that calmed me was prayer, exercise, and friendships.  Many of my friends, that I attended church with for years, were not at all surprised by the actions of the one that abandoned me.  They saw it coming before I did. Others were shocked at such behavior.
 2. Find a support network. 
Please do this for yourself.  I did this early on.  I was so desperate. I reconnected with many old friends from the church where he pastored.  They were so supportive.  I have met new friends going through the same trauma.  I found that folks really want to help.  For me I had to also go to my Dr. for help with the rapid onset of depression.  I had to hire an attorney for legal support, plus PIs, digital forensics specialists. Please reach out.  You can't do it alone.  My main support was my faith in God.
3. Believe in your own strength.
Hard to do in the beginning.  Gets easier as you progress.  Remember it is a process.
4. Know that you may not get a happy ending.
I guess that depends on the happy ending you are looking for.  Initially I thought he would reconsider dividing his family.  I was willing to take him back but hat did not happen.  I have learned so much in the discovery phase of the legal process that I am now glad it did not happen.  I am striving for my own happy ending.  I am embracing my singleness and finding the beauty  that surrounds me even in my pain.  
5. Understand that endings are actually beginnings.
Yes they are.  I hope to use my new experience to help others.
6. Find your voice.
Working on that daily:-)
7. Embrace your feelings, whatever they might be. 
Difficult but I totally agree with her.  All I wanted to do in the beginning was escape my feelings, run away from my pain.  Now I let myself feel, which moves me to action.  I too find that when I give these feelings to God he helps me carry them.
8. Fake it 'till you make it.
You do have to fake it in the beginning.  I call it going through the motions.  It takes a while, to enjoy what you used to love when your spirit has been crushed.  The joy will return, not overnight, but it will if you just keep trying.  I promise.  Don't give up.  
9. Take your time and realize there's no "right way" to cope.
There is no time frame.  We are individuals.  Initially my coping mechanism was the though of ending it all and thus ending the excruciating pain.  The despair is debilitating.  As I look back I realize that was a negative thing to do but I really did not know what else to do, I was paralyzed.  What I did right was to pray and attempt to lean on my faith.  I listened to Christian music for hope.  I made myself to go church.  I know if you are going through this you too may be desperate.  Please try to find ways to cope that won't hurt you in the long run.  Trust me the despair will pass and you will be stronger.  
10. Let go. (of the relationship)
I have let go.  I am sure that is not the answer for all of us but it is for me.  Don't let anyone judge your decisions.
11. You'll survive.
Yep, you will and so will I.  We will not only survive but thrive:-)

Remember God's Promise  "I will never leave you or forsake you"


Monday, May 4, 2015

Monday Morning Motivation..."Be Still and Know"

Well today is my birthday.  I am happy and sad all at the same time.  Sad because of the place my husband has taken my family but happy in the knowledge that God is in control.  I remember when my parents were dying I held unto the verse that God gave us..."Be Still and Know that I am God".  I held onto it again when my husband walked out. To me it means that we can cast all of our fears, joys, sorrows, confusions, all of our life situations His way knowing that He is our strength in all things.  
Lord we thank you today that you are our strength, our hope and our joy.  Help us to never forget that you walk with us in all things. Amen
Happy Monday Everyone

Friday, May 1, 2015

The Pain...."Divorce is probably as painful as death"

William Shatner
I know how you feel in the beginning.  The emotional pain is debilitating.  It can become physical which it did with me.  It has been nearly 2 years since I was blindsided by the "man" that promised to love me. He just walked out.  The pain is beginning to ease.  I have my good and bad days.  I don't miss him at all now that I have learned who he really is.  I do miss our family unit.  
My suggestions for you, if you are beginning this journey or even if you are years down this path, are to hold onto your faith, your friends, and the family members that love you.  You will get stronger:-)

"I call on the Lord in my distress, and he answers me"
Psalm 120:1
Get out and do something fun this weekend.  Believe me forcing yourself out in the beginning does help, even if you don't feel like it.  My daughter and I are going to a wine tasting tonight.  I can't wait:-)