Monday, July 29, 2013

Monday Morning Motivation..."Praying through Our Tears from GuidePosts Magazine

Another rough week.  I have learned that my situation can throw you into depression and that is what has seemed to have happened to me.  I have had sorrow, I have sadness, I have had disappointment, but depression is an entirely different creature.  Gives me a respect for those living with this awful illness.  I never realized an acute event could produce it. (I did go to the Dr).
Anyway....I was reading GuidePosts Magazine online and came across a quote from Julia Attaway that seemed to fit me...

"I’ve had a week straight out of Romans 8:26: “We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” There are times the heart hurts so much it is mute. 
Even so, I can still offer God what I have: my tears.
I can ask him to use my tears to water the seed of my faith, so that I grow closer to Christ instead of drawing away.I can ask him to use my tears for good: to wash away someone else’s suffering.I can ask him to unite my tears to those that Jesus cried (John 11:25), to make me more like him.And finally, when suffering silences me, I can trust that the Lord will ask others to pray for me and my family and all who are hurting."     Amen Julia!
Seeing beauty through the pain and tears....My weekend with my beloved.....

Enjoy Your World.  If you are in the same boat as me just take baby steps.  One foot in front of the other and try to lean on God. 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

"Keep looking up children".....

Another bad day. I went through the motions at work. Forced myself to go to Zumba. As I was attempting the dance moves my eye kept going to the window to my right. The sun was shinning through the trees. Then a memory. An old man, a man of God who would be appalled at the situation I find myself in. I was in my early 20's when I visited him in his home lying in his hospital bed. He was dying of colon cancer. He had a weak smile on his face and he was weakly pointing up toward heaven. He said "keep looking up children, keep looking up". I will try to follow his advice.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Remains very difficult but searching for joy.....Monday Morning Motivation

This all remains very difficult for me.  In  my waking nightmare I try to sleep.  When I do fall asleep it is not for long and I wake up stressed and then realize that I am still in my nightmare.  This repeats day after day after day.  The physical and emotional symptoms remain.  It is awful, it is my living nightmare.
I pray a lot.  The two prayers I lean on are The Lords Prayer and Psalm 23.
The Lord is my shepherd (Lord help me to know you are leading me)
I shall not want (but I do want lord, I want peace and reassurance)
He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters
He restores my soul (my soul is in desperate need of restoration, it is shattered)
I will focus and pray these prayers hundreds of times this week as I have since my nightmare began.
One friend told me to find simple things to be thankful for even in the midst of the pain and the fog I am in.  Here is what I am thankful for today.
Many friends that have taken the time to not only pray for me but to send me cards and notes.  These things are what gets me through the day.
Time with Caleb this week. We spent a morning at a local museum.  I love his wonder and innocence.  
How he was amazed by the insects and the butterflies.  How we laughed when he spilled his water all over us as he learned to use his "big boy cup". How he told me he loved me and blew me kisses as he lay down for his nap.
(Caleb bravely walking up to the dinosaur)

I pray to God that he never has to live a nightmare but if stress does come his way that he leans on you because no matter what you love him. 
What ever painful boat you find yourself in try to hold unto God.  Try to remind yourself of his love for you.  Lean on anyone that will listen.  Pray.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Monday Morning Motivation

Don't have much to say for Monday Morning Motivation.  I just thought I would sing a song, Blessings by Laura Story, that has been helping me get through.  The words give me some hope.  
My scripture for the week...

May your unfailing love be with us Lord,
even as we put our hope in you
Psalm 33:22

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Divorce The Ripple Effect....

In church last week the pastor spoke of the ripple effect of divorce.  It touches everyone involved not just the grieving partner.  Sadly it touches my daughters, my son-in-law and my youngest daughters boyfriend.  Trust will now be an issue.  Sadly it touches our grandchild and the grandchildren to come.  What kind of legacy does this leave for them except the legacy that if you don't like something just quit or just leave.  This example teaches them life is all about you and not about others, the way you treat others is not important.  That is not what God teaches us and I hope they will be able to see God's love and teachings over the weaknesses of people.
Some may tell you if your children are grown it does not effect them.  Not true!!!!  I agree with the Pastor it effects everyone....The Ripple Effect.  I was watching a TV show called 72 hours.  It is a reality show, a competition where several teams race to win $100,000 in rough conditions.  There was one young woman that I was hoping would win.  Her goal was to win the money for her Mom who was going through a divorce.  They showed the Mom on video and you could feel her pain.  The young woman was in pain also because of the pain brought upon her Mom.  Sad.  If this had not happened to her Mom the daughter would have had a different mindset.  She maybe would have had a happier life and not had to worry about her Mom that more then likely had this pain selfishly thrust upon her.  Like in my case I should be thinking about trips with the family, enjoying our lives together, enjoying the gifts God has given us but now I must waste money on lawyers and try to figure out how I will survive both financially and emotionally. It was probably, like in my case, not her Mom's choice.  Divorce..... it effects everyone!
(I am happy to say "she won!":-)
She is the young woman on the right.
I am sorry she had to go through the pain of divorce in her family
but I am happy she can help her Mom.  Way to go!
"If anyone causes one of these little ones, those who believe in me, to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.  Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble.  Such things must come but woe to the person through whom they come" Matthew 18:6-7

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Words of wisdom and encouragement...."As long as you can, do it"

It has been a tough 5 weeks.  I have not been myself since my husband decided to leave me.  Awful.
I was reading Guideposts Magazine this week.  They have a section called "The Up Side, Quotes from Today's Positive Thinkers".  I liked the quote form Robert Redford...
"The way I deal with arthritis is to keep moving.  As long as you can play hard tennis, as long as you can ski or ride a horse---all kinds of things can come your way.  As long as you can, do it"
Robert Redford
His challenge seems to be his arthritis.  Mine is the different. Mine is a looming unwanted and unnecessary divorce.  Both painful in their own way.  Well I took Roberts advice and decided to do it.  I went and heard old friends sing at an Irish Pub last night after work.  Today I got up and went to a local Zumba class.  I came home and made banana bread and watched a movie.  This weekend I am going to church and to a local comedy event.  Sometimes it is hard to go through the motions of what used to bring me joy but I am trying.  
I don't know the pain of your situation.  I do suggest even in your pain that you reach out to friends.  Get out and do something fun.  Enjoy the world you find yourself in.
Peace and Blessings

Sunday, July 7, 2013

What I learned in church this weekend...

In my pain I have to keep busy.  So Caleb and I went to 2 church services this week seeking any kind of strength and or wisdom I may find in God through the messages.
At AUMC Saturday night the pastor spoke on faith and in that faith finding assurance. She spoke of trust and that in uncertainty all we have is our trust in God through faith.  That when we feel rising anxiety (I feel it 24 hours a day) and when we feel desperation (which I do) that we need to remember that we are God's. That he never lets us go, even when we can't feel him.
At CrossPointe today the sermon was specifically on what I am going through.  I learned that this, I will call it an unnecessary pain, impacts everyone.  The Pastor described it as gut wrenching, and excruciating in its pain.  I agree with these descriptions and I will add one of my own soul shattering. I was reminded that it leaves scars on every aspect of  life and will have ripple affects that will affect everyone.  For the pain this causes my family I am so sorry. I wish I could change this pain for myself, and for them.  Since I am not in control I need to find the strength to give it to trust him.
May your unfailing love be with us Lord,
even as we put our hope in you
Psalm 33:22
Still trying to find beauty in the pain....

Monday, July 1, 2013

Songs of Comfort...Blessings by Laura Story

I have cried so many tears these last few weeks.  In all my sorrow I have done my best to lean on God. I listened to a song today by Laura Story...Blessings.  The lyrics seemed to hit home with me today.
"Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise"
Laura Story

Made me cry all over again.  Beautiful song.